I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
