I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
