Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize