I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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