I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
