He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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