Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
