So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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