saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
