Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
