He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
