you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
