i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
