I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
