bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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