You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
