I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize