I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
