My friends, they love my intelligence
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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