Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
