The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize