i may or may not be watching the land before time
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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