I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
