Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize