have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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