omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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