It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's blow job season.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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