Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
