dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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