I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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