I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
