I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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