yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize