dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
