But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
