oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
