..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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