Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
