I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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