I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I forgot wine drunk hurts
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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