i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize