so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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