There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
