You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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