I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
