i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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