just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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