Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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