I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
