You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
