quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
