fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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