Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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