sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
