I am in a vortex of obligation.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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