i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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