You made me cry and you don't even care
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
