My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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