I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
