Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
